Our favourite bit? When the killer jimmy runs away with its latest meal still in its transparant, er, digestive tract.
Next time you’re keen on a memento, maybe a picture would work better? Rubbered Out (Killer Condom, 1996)More Troma than trauma, it’s no surprise that Lloyd Kaufman helped distribute this utterly bizarre German schlocker about a gay cop, his tranny bf and a carnivorous condom that puts a real dampener on safe sex. Having helped kill her married lover with ‘a Hutchence’, the obsessed Abe slices off his old boy and writes a farewell message in his chest with the blood.
Memories Are Made Of These (In The Realm Of The Senses, 1976)For a movie famed for its unsimulated sex – based on real events – this really is a leg crosser, and puts you off boiled eggs to boot. I understand this technique is called Jeet Plums Do. Cock Block (The Street Fighter, 1974)Sonny Chiba, ‘the greatest actor working in martial arts movies today’ as Clarence Worley would have it, has a ball – two of them – when his double-hard mercenary Tsurigi leaps through A window and gets hands on with the guy trying to rape heiress Sarai. If my folks had shown me this instead of just threatening to wash my mouth out with soap, my swear-jar wouldn’t be quite so full. Swearing Revenge (Hostel II, 2007)Language! Beth goes from being victim to fully-fledged Elite Hunting customer at the flash of a cussword, butchering her potty-mouthed torturer’s torpid turkey with one swift hack and then feeding it to the bloodhounds. This one’s a near-tie with a similar ‘restless natives’ moment in its equally grotty cousin, Cannibal Ferox. The lost, isolated Yanomamö tribe – angered by the devious documentarians’ not-strictly-observing techniques – reap a bloody, about-to-be-banned revenge: they begin by hacking rapist cameraman Mark into more edible pieces, starting very graphically with his telescopic lens. Hack Filmmakers (Cannibal Holocaust, 1980)Well, that’s a hornets’ nest well-and-truly stirred up. All in all, that’s two – or is that four? – for the price of one. “Both of them.” The second is definitely the more painful for lil’ Roark Jr, as the determined detective proceeds to violently disarm the Yellow Bastard’s man-pistol for the second time in 90 minutes, clenching away his clackers in a gooey marshmallowy mustard-coloured splodge. Disarmament (Sin City, 2005)“I take away his weapon,” says Hartigan.
Revenge is a dish best served in a bloody tissue. Tracking down the guys who earlier attempted to adjust Bane’s vocal chords, the Bondurants take a straight razor to the terror-etched henchmen’s undercarriages and deliver them to their nemesis. Message Sent (Lawless, 2012)Finding themselves up against a literally cut-throat copper, those bootleggin’ Bondurant boys aim to cut something a little lower on the anatomy. So in celebration of its newest dis-membered members, get ready to cross those legs for the best in lost manhood, occasional female empowerment but mostly bloody, spurting amateur sex surgery. These though are just the latest entrants in cinema’s most wince-inducing club: the cinematic castration – the ultimate in emasculation, humiliation and total pain. This week we not only sat (uncomfortably) through Lawless’ de-conkering but also Dredd’s bloody-mouthed wang worrying. BEWARE OF NUT-BUSTING SPOILERS AHEAD Ouch.